Lost Hope
by Lycorise
Summary: Alexandra deals with the emotional burden of turning her back on the Institute. Thankfully, she does not have to do it alone. [minor F!Sole Survivor/Piper Wright]


**A/N:** A minor exploration into the relationship/dynamics between my SS and the Father. Main story spoilers up to _"Mass Fusion"_.

* * *

She had suffered numerous energy burns all over her body in the mad escape from the Institute. One on her right bicep. One on her right calf. One on her chest and abdomen each. Two in exactly the same spot on her lower back, right above her spine. According to Carrington, she would have ended up a property of the Institute should the sharpshooter have scored just one more bull's eye. Then he noticed his patient had not responded to his question of where else she felt pain. So he prompted her again, to which she replied, _"I don't feel anything."_

She watched the crinkle between his brows deepen, first from confusion then concentration as he examined her for signs of shock and additional trauma. It turned out she was fine, and he repeated the question again.

She stared right back into the doctor's eyes, amending her sentence to tell him what he wanted: _"I feel fine."_

He frowned yet again, lips parting to continue his interrogation, when Piper finally broke out of her restless silence.

"If she says she's fine, doc, then she's fine." She walked over, placing a hand on Alex's shoulder. "Looks to me she's just exhausted, that's all." The firm hold told Alex that Piper knew every word they had said was false.

Carrington did not buy that. Not one bit, and he did not bother to hide it. But Desdemona stepped in, supporting Piper's analysis. Her gaze said she knew better. But she told Alex to rest, to regain her energy for the long road that is now laid out ahead of them. Alex nodded and stood, though her mind was painfully devoid of any direction to go.

Piper noticed her lack of further movement. Her hand slipped subtly from her shoulder, down to her lower back. Then she pushed gently, acting as the woman's navigator, guiding her to Desdemona's recommended resting place. Alex acquiesced, mechanically putting one foot in front of the other, ignoring the eyes on her back. They walked in silence through the hole in the wall, down to the very end of the dark hallway until they reached the last two mattresses. She felt Piper's hand lift from her back and sat down slowly, feeling a world of burden pressing down on her shoulders again. It felt different now. More dense. Heavy. Mind-numbingly devoid of hope.

A can of Pork 'N' Beans appeared in her field of vision, swaying from side-to-side in Piper's hand. Alex imitated the can's movement, shaking her head. It was promptly lifted from her gaze. There was a bout of light rustling as Piper placed her bag on the floor, and settled down onto the mattress beside her. She felt the woman's arm circle around her waist.

"What happened, Blue?" she prodded gently. "What happened between you and Shaun?"

"I…betrayed him."

That word. Betrayed. It felt odd. She was never on the Institute's side. She had stayed in the beginning, yes. But it was only for her son – for _Shaun_. The one for whom she had clawed through a nightmare called the Commonwealth. First she had stayed to find answers to her own questions. What kind of man he turned out to be. Which of his parents he took after. How he had grown. Then she had stayed to look for a way to dissuade him, to turn him around before the end became uglier than it had to be.

As it turned out, he took after his father's looks – with the exception of his eyes. He had her eyes, and her cunning as well. Her charisma, intelligence, and unfortunately, her rationality. Her ability to bend words, to mould facts and hearts to her own will. To justify any and all of her actions, to make her seem right when she was _not_. He would have made a great lawyer. Perhaps even surpassed her. She would have been proud of him.

She _was_ proud of him. She knew it was not easy to become Director, to convince people to believe in his vision, and nurture an entire community who revered and respected him. Strength, determination, charisma. All the traits that she ever admired and held dear, he had in him. But the cruel hand of fate had decided to twist his goal to oppose hers. To pit one stubborn leader against another.

God, but did she – no, _they_ – try. Her last few moments in the Institute were spent in a verbal war with the Father. Two debaters pushing their own case while simultaneously trying to tear the other's down. Ideal against ideal. Morals against morals. Picking apart each other's defenses. Pulling at the other's heart, trying to draw from a well of sympathy and affection that had run dry right there on the battlefield. They were spent, she knew. There was nothing left in the Father's eyes. The familiar face of cold resignation was the last thing she saw before declaring war on the Institute and storming out of the facility.

"He trusted me. He even appointed me as his successor. But I turned my back on him."

"He refused to listen, then?"

Piper was the one who convinced her to try. To stay at the Institute, to get to know the Father. To talk him out of his plans. Alex had wanted to stop the charade after completing his first mission. One meeting with the Father was enough to tell her that the man would not budge from his seat. She started preparing herself to fight against her own flesh and blood. Then Piper spoke to her. Pleaded with her to try and dissuade Shaun from his misguided path. Piper wanted her to be happy, she knew. She wanted Alex to finally be reunited with her son, under peaceful circumstances, and build a new future as mother and son. A happy family.

It took her a long while, but Piper finally got through. Managed to coax a little bubble of hope to grow within her. She had even dared to dream of a future where the Institute and Minutemen worked hand-in-hand to better humanity, without the use of synths. Alex and Shaun would spearhead their operations. She knew, deep inside her, that it was futile. This dream would remain what it was: a dream. Now, she regretted it. Thoroughly.

 _After all I've done…_ The Father's words had echoed in her mind over and over, as she trudged back to the Railroad. _The lengths to which I've gone to give you a new home, a new life… For us to be a family._

Her heart had twisted in agony, then. It was her. She was the one who cut her ties to Shaun. _She_ was the traitor.

 _But you have made your choice. From this point on, you are an enemy of the Institute. Should you cross us, we will kill you._

"No," Alex replied, her voice hollow. "The only way forward now, is through the destruction of the Institute."

"But Shaun–"

"There is no Shaun!" Her voice raised unexpectedly, surprising both Piper and her. She glared at a spot on the wall in front of her, breathing deeply. "There is no more Shaun–"

Her voice broke. She felt tears trail down her cheeks for the first time since she left the Vault. Alex had pushed herself so hard. She forced herself not to give into hopelessness, held onto the belief that her son was still alive and would be returned to her side. She had nurtured it so carefully, only to have it dashed by the one person who could have made her happiness complete. How? How does one survive having their hopes crushed for a second time?

Piper's hands fumbled over her body, before settling on her arm and shoulder, and pulled her closer. Alex had pressed a hand over her mouth, refusing to broadcast her breakdown throughout the safe house. She swallowed the sobs as best she could, feeling her hand grow wet.

"Blue…"

Alex shook her head. She crumpled into Piper's firm embrace, pressing her face into the crook of her neck. Her arms wrapped around the reporter, holding onto her as though she were dear life. In a manner of speaking, she was. With her son out of the picture, Piper was now the only one she lived for. The only one for whom she would fight until her body was broken, her spirit shattered. Her raison d'etre.

"Don't leave me, Piper," she squeezed out, voice small and shaking. "Please."

"I won't," Piper vowed. "Not even if hell freezes over."


End file.
